When You Try to Control Others

Dear reader! This is an article intended to set you free. To help you find more freedom and have more peace of mind. To help you develop more love for yourself and for others. And finally, to feel like having more control over things, even when it isn't always the case.

The reason why you came across here might be that you either want to have more control over everything, in particular other people, or because you are already a controlling person and you want to stop being controlling. In either ways, keep reading because this small piece of writing is designed for you.

The reason why most people want to control others is often because it makes them feel in control. And this feeling gives them a sense of fulfillment for their inner emptiness. They actually have an unfulfilled need which remains starving. This constant feeling of lack, starving and emptiness then tries to satisfy itself through controlling other people, things or events. But often times that internal emptiness comes from having no control over oneself and also no emotional awareness of oneself. And even though controlling people may temporarily feel satisfying and empowering, but the truth is that, on the long run, being controlling only puts you into more mental stress and frustration. The reason being that as long as your need remains unmet, you will continue starving and this starving causes you to look for alternative ways which can only make you forget about that empty feeling for a short time. And when things don't go your way, you will feel an extreme feeling of emptiness and worthlessness. 

So one of the most important things here to do is to try to find that unmet need. What is that need inside of you that remains unfulfilled or perhaps even neglected and unheard by you. Once you found your need, look for healthy ways that fulfill those needs. Meet your own needs by giving yourself whatever you are emotionally in need of. If it is something that can only be fulfilled by others, then ask for it. Don't feel shy to let the people in your life know about what you need and expect from them. Engage in healthy conversations and try to find solutions for your unmet needs, because your needs are important and valuable. We all have needs. They need to be met in healthy ways, because as long as they are unmet, we will look for alternative ways to fulfill those needs or should I say, to feel like as if those needs are met, when in actuality they are not. 

So set yourself free from whatever people do, say or think and whatever they like or dislike. And instead of controlling others, start to take control over yourself. Start taking responsibility for yourself and start taking care of your own inner self. Give yourself the control and awareness that you have been depriving yourself of for so long.

About the Author

Sumayah U.R. is the Chief Executive Officer at Inspired Living Counselling enterprises. She is the author of the book The Relationship between Islam and Modern Science. She has a BA in Islamic Studies and a Certificate in Education from the Islamic Online University. 

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Emotional Case Study #2: Nobody Cares About Me

Client: Dear Counsellor! I don't know why but recently I feel like nobody really cares about me. I feel being left alone, ignored, neglected and as if everyone around me is just being so unjust. Please tell me what to do.

Counsellor: Dear client. I know how it feels to be in your state, but let me tell you that it is somehow normal to feel like that every now and then. This is part of our human experience and if dealt with in the right way, this emotional state can help us grow - to become the person that we want to become and to reach our goals faster. Now, in order for me to help you further, can you please tell me if you have any proof about your assumption that everyone around you is treating you unjustly.

Client: Well, to be honest, I actually don't have any proof at hand for the feelings that I have right now. All that I know is that the people around me seem like being in a bad mood these days and that they rather want to be alone than to be with me or with others. This may perhaps be the reason why I feel this way. 

Counsellor: You are right. This behaviour of others makes you feel the way you feel. Perhaps, you have been neglected as a child when you were very young, which has caused a deep trauma within you. And which is often the case why you react so sensitively whenever you feel that others are not spending enough time with you. But let me tell you that right now whatever other people do is not because of you, it is because of them. They may have some things going on in their life to think and reflect upon, which is why they are in a serious mood and prefer to be alone - rather than being around others. And this is totally fine. Everyone feels like that every now and then. In fact, spending time alone is sometimes necessary in order to reconnect with oneself and to get a clear head by thinking and reflecting about everything and finding solutions or new ideas. 

Client: Okay, but then why do I feel so awkward and what should I do with my feelings in this case? 

Counsellor: You need to stop taking things offensively. Remember, nothing that others do is because of you, it's because of them. Everyone has a different story and is on a different journey. So what you are supposed to do with your feelings is to mind your own business and start focusing on your own well-being instead of constantly focusing on how other people are behaving. It's time for you now to spend some time with yourself and do what makes you happy and feel good about yourself. Do things that make you connect with yourself again and make you feel whole and complete in your own skin. No matter what that means for you. If it means for you to stay in bed covered under the blankets then do that. Or if you can reconnect with yourself by practicing an art or by spending time alone in nature, or by laying down in a forest, just do that! At the end of the day, the most important task for you is to do what makes you feel good again. Because when you feel good, your perspective about others will often be good too. You will be less likely to feel offensive by everything that others do. 

Another important point that I need to mention here is that the very fact that you feel this way about people (neglected, ignored, left alone, or victimized) is a sign and an indication of what your spirit feels about you. Yes, about YOU! What you assume about others for treating you in a certain way is actually how you currently treat yourself. Just think about it and let me know if you understand what I mean. 

Client: Oh yes! This can be so true. When I think about it, then I am realizing that in the past few days I've been neglectful towards my own well-being. Life has become a bit challenging recently, which is why I didn't get enough sleep and I didn't really find the time or should I say, the mood to take care of myself or to do what makes me happy. I'm also finding myself stressed out very often these days. I think I should start to relax more and to just let go of everything and allow myself to be in a more calm and peaceful state. 

Counsellor: There you have it. I truly believe that once you have found and created more peace within yourself then the negative assumptions that you have about other people will fade away and you will feel more loved and cared for. 

Client: That's true. I can feel the positive change already. I'm already feeling a bit more at peace right now after discussing my issue with you and now all of a sudden I start to remember the good things that these people actually did do for me in the past few days, which I perhaps somehow forgot and remember them now only. I already start feeling more love for them now. My love for them is now more than the negative feelings that I have for them. 

Counsellor: Well, the fact that now only you became conscious of the good things that they did for you is because you were being blinded by your own false assumptions and negative state of mind. It was your spirit screaming at you - trying to catch your attention towards itself, and the more you ignored and neglected yourself, the more you felt that everyone else have ignored and neglected you. The longer you don't care for yourself, the more you feel that nobody cares for you. 

End quote.

About the Author

Sumayah U.R. is the Chief Executive Officer at Inspired Living Counselling enterprises. She is the author of the book The Relationship between Islam and Modern Science. She has a BA in Islamic Studies and a Certificate in Education from the Islamic Online University. 

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Emotional Case Study #1: Overcoming Fear of Perfection

Question: I’m a Muslim and I constantly have this fear inside of me that I must always be perfect; otherwise I will be scolded at or at least looked down upon. I also assume that the people with whom I live are having lots of hatred against everyone and everything. So I feel that whenever I don’t fit into their box, they’ll start hating me and disliking me. Please help me. I want an Islamic answer from you about how to get rid of this fear and to live a more relaxed life.

Answer: Allah is your Creator and His creation is always perfect the way it is. When He created you with mistakes that you do, then that indeed is perfect in and of itself. There is a statement made by the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) that is worth sharing in today’s topic, which goes as follows:

 “By the One in Whose hand is my soul, if you did not commit sin Allah would do away with you and bring people who would commit sin then pray for forgiveness. Every son of Adam sins, and the best of those who sin are those who repent.” (Narrated by Muslim, 2749 and al-Tirmidhi, 2499; classed as hasan by al-Albani.)

If Allah forgives every mistake that you do after repentance or feeling of regret, then you have no right to keep on looking down upon yourself. If your Creator forgives you, who are you to not forgive yourself then? So stop beating yourself!

Also, you cannot judge other people by thinking that you know their internal state. Only Allah knows what’s going on inside of them. After all, you always judge others according to your perception about your own self. Remember that. You think that they are this way because there are parts in you which are projecting that. You may have unresolved negative perceptions or unprocessed traumatic experiences within yourself. Therefore, you should start knowing yourself better, including all the negative experiences in your past which now make you doubt others and think negatively about everyone.

Another reason why people are mad at you is mostly only because of them and not because of you. They are unhappy with their own selves so they are projecting this onto you. So don’t worry and start thinking good about others, especially if you know that you’ve been careful all the time - trying to please everyone. Then you really don’t need to think that they are mad at you because of you, unless you really did something wrong to them.

Last but not least, your rights deserve to be respected just as you respect those of others.

About the Author

Sumayah U.R. is the Chief Executive Officer at Inspired Living Counselling enterprises. She is the author of the book The Relationship between Islam and Modern Science. She has a BA in Islamic Studies and a Certificate in Education from the Islamic Online University. 

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The First Step towards Peace of Mind: Storing Your Resources

Do you know those days on which it seems like too many things are happening at the same time and you end up feeling overwhelmed - not in the mood to do anything at all. You feel drained of energy and life seems so difficult. Well perhaps, the reason behind this is that you have run out of your resources, which is why you started feeling so drained and empty. You are your biggest resource. You need to always have enough in store in order to avoid running out of your resources, and for that you always need to take care of YOU. In this article I will share with you the three main resources which you have and how you can take care of them every single day.

Your resources are: your body, mind and soul. You need to take care of each one in order to live your best life. So here is how you can do that:

1# Physical Resources

Your body is a very important resource, as they say, "Health is wealth." If your health is good, every aspect of your life is good, because you will be able to successfully deal with every difficult situation or challenge of life. So try to keep your body healthy all the time. You can do this by eating healthy most of the time. Avoid overeating and foods that do no good to your body. Moderation is the key. So you can of course enjoy some of those "guilty pleasures" but not on a daily basis. Enjoyment is important for a happy life so we shouldn't forget to enjoy life, right? Every now and then it is OK to indulge as long as you make sure that you eat healthy mostly for the rest of the time. Also, do some exercise regularly. Even if you have a busy schedule, try to fit in at least a small workout into your daily schedule. Your heart needs to pump strongly on a regular basis in order to stay strong and healthy. Don't forget to sleep well too. Try to sleep on time and get enough rest your body needs. Try to stay away from screens shortly before going to sleep because your mind will take longer to relax after being in front of the screen. You will find a better and a deeper sleep if you stay away from screens for about an hour before sleeping. Last but not least, smile more often to keep your blood-pressure levels intact and to maintain a good mood.

2# Mental Resources

Your mind is one of the most important organs of the body, so you need to take good care of it. Always think positive and keep your mind filled with positive thoughts and hopes. Don't allow any negative or angry thought settle in your mind. Whenever a negative thought enters your mind, evaluate and question it. Work it out and then let it go. Also, meditate regularly by reflecting on your life - where you are at the present moment and where you want to go. Keep your mind focused by removing distractions. Create peace within yourself and relax your mind regularly. Try to keep calm and relaxed as often as possible. Stop worrying or thinking too much about the future. Be more present and live in the present moment. Enjoy every moment and try to be tension-free. Let go of constant control and allow things to happen as they go. Keep yourself flexible and open for change. Try to make the best out of every moment and focus on the present. Last but not least, practice gratitude every single day. Daily remind yourself of the blessings that you have in your life. Even if you feel like you are not blessed, let me tell you that there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. The fact that you are reading this article has tons of blessings in and of itself. It means that you have eyes that can see. That you were blessed as a child to learn how to read and that you now have a computer and an internet connection which allows you to research and connect with the world. Not to forget the many opportunities that you have through the internet.

3# Spiritual Resources

It is important that you keep your soul well-nourished all the time. Never deprive it of its needs. Your soul needs to always have a strong connection with a higher source. Pray regularly, repent, forgive and let go of everything that burdens your soul. If you are a Muslim, pray your daily 5 prayers on time with sincerity and conviction. Make deeply connected prayers and supplications to Allah regularly. Cleanse your soul by repentance and forgiveness. Repent regularly from your sins, as they may develop an unnecessary burden to your soul. Forgive as soon as you find any negative feelings towards anyone. Recite the Qur'an regularly, or at least listen to its beautiful recitation as there is healing for your soul in the recitation of the Qur'an. Saying different adhkar is also a great way to nourish your soul.

To conclude, you need to make it a practice from now onwards to always have enough resources in store for yourself. During hard times especially, you should never rely solely on that which you have at present, but you must be proactive by filling your resources in advance, so as to never fall short of them and feel drained again. For this to be done, you need to work on staying disciplined. Remember that at the end, you have to face pain anyway - either it is the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. It is your choice every day which one you want to face.

About the Author

Sumayah U.R. is the Chief Executive Officer at Inspired Living Counselling enterprises. She is the author of the book The Relationship between Islam and Modern Science. She has a BA in Islamic Studies and a Certificate in Education from the Islamic Online University. 

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