How to Forgive (1/2)

Many of us find it difficult to forgive people. Very often we wish we could just forgive and then let go of that negative and disturbing feeling existing within us towards those people, but when we try then there seems to be a part inside of us that doesn't want to let go. It seems like wanting to hold on to that negative feeling. Why is it so?

It's often because we fear self-harm, which is why we can't forgive easily. Whereas in reality, not forgiving others is what actually harms us the most. But why do we relate forgiveness to self-harm? It's because deep inside we have this false belief that 'when we forgive others and let go of what they did to us, then we are giving in and allowing injustice to be done to us without defending and protecting ourselves'. It is a natural human instinct to defend oneself. If it wasn't for self-defence, the human race wouldn't be able to survive and develop any further. This natural instinct of self-defence, together with the false belief of forgiveness being self-harming, is what makes forgiveness so difficult.

Now in order to rise above the level of incapability and become able to forgive easily, we must first identify and acknowledge our underlying beliefs and instincts towards forgiveness. Then we must replace our false, disempowering beliefs with powerful beliefs about forgiveness, ourselves and about other people.

It's important to know that people harm you not because of you, it is because of them. Just as the common quote says, "Hurt people hurt." Those who hurt others are often the ones who are badly hurt themselves. And no matter what others do to you, they and their actions don't have any power over you until you allow them to control your feelings and until you allow their actions to make yourself suffer. Therefore, you must first stop harming yourself by stopping to allow everyone's behaviour to control your feelings. In order for you to stop harming yourself, you must let go of whatever feeling, emotion or thought makes you feel bad. Now it's not about what happened or what others did, now it's about your reaction, and about how you perceive things and how you make yourself feel and think about them.

The more you allow people, things or thoughts to make you feel bad, the more you hand over power to them and thus make yourself powerless. When you let go of every feeling, thought and emotion that doesn't make you feel good, then you are taking the power back and become an unshakable person. This is what makes you highly confident and strong.

In order to forgive easily, it is important to follow the correct strategy. To make forgiveness easy is to change your perspective towards forgiveness. There is one common perspective which many people have, which is often ineffective on the long run, and which makes forgiveness so difficult.

To know about this failing way of forgiveness and learn a new and effective strategy, which will not only make forgiveness easy but will also raise you above all pains, read the second part of this article How to Forgive (2/2).

Happy reading!

About the Author

Sumayah U.R. is the Chief Executive Officer at Inspired Living Counselling enterprises. She is the author of the book The Relationship between Islam and Modern Science. She has a BA in Islamic Studies and a Certificate in Education from the Islamic Online University.